


You're The Grossest Thing In This Gross World

by clueforlooks



Category: Swiss Army Man
Genre: AU, Dudes bein gay, Fluff, Happy Ending, JUST GUYS BEIN DUDES, Journal, M/M, Short Chapters, first person POV, lots of fluff, movie dates and pillow forts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-01
Updated: 2018-09-15
Packaged: 2018-10-13 14:08:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 9,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10515303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clueforlooks/pseuds/clueforlooks
Summary: What if Hank never ran away?What if Manny never killed himself?What if everything was happy, just for once?





	1. Day I

     I've never been closer to running away than i am now. There's absolutely nothing left for me here, in California, in North America, in the world, in the entire galaxy i am nothing more than a worthless sack of shit, wasting time and space and energy. Sarah goes each day without noticing me, but at this point i can't really blame her. I can't even look at myself in the mirror without feeling sick. Thousands of suicide attempts have gone unnoticed and / or failed; i can't even properly kill myself, _good GOD_ i'm the worst, i'm absolutely pathetic. it sounds so immature to say: "i'm going to run away!" i sound absolutely ~~retarded~~. I'm a grown man, planning to run away, i feel like i'm eleven again. Tomorrow night, i'll pack, i'll have food and water (that's all i really need, right?) and i'll take a boat out and see where i end up, everything will be alright, i'll be gone, Dad won't even notice i left, its not like i have any friends who would know i ran away, let alone exist. Everything will be fine and i'll be gone. That sounds nice. For once in my life, i have something to look forward to, something to get me up in the morning, even though i'll most likely get lost at sea, starve, and die, ill be gone and everyone will be happy. I'm so tired of living the same tedious day and god knows i've tried ending it for good, maybe finally this can be the end. This can be my grand finale.


	2. Day III

     On second thought, I might just stay one more day.


	3. Day IV

     Okay, i don't like to debate with myself, but i'll stay just for the rest of the week. See how it goes, and then i'll finally set sail. I promise.


	4. Day V

He sits on the bus, the same seat each day: two rows behind me, right side of the bus, by the window. But he doesn't look out the window as often as he does look at me. I can practically feel him staring at me, i refuse to turn around regardless of how uneasy i am from his fixated gaze. Every day as i get on the bus, he watches me, and as i get off the bus, he continues to watch me. I don't know what it is about him, but i'm fascinated. I've never noticed him before, never have i seen anyone like him in the same seat each day on the same bus. Have i just been lacking observation to notice him? Does he always stare at me, and if he's always been here, how come i'm just now actually feeling his eyes on me. I don't know where he came from, where he goes, what he sounds like, hell, i don't know what he even looks like (i'm too afraid to properly look at him since i can feel him constantly looking at me). This man is an enigma and i don't know what it is about him, but i feel as if i need to know who he is, why he's always looking at me, what he's doing on my bus, where he goes everyday before and after my stop, what his name is at least, i feel compelled to know all i can about this man. 


	5. Day VI

     His name is Manny.  
Today, we went from strangers to acquaintances. Two stops after my own, i watch him rise from his seat of the corner of my eye and approach me. I pretended to ignore him, i pretended it wasn't as if i was hoping he'd talk to me before i ran away, i pretended i didn't care that this embodied enigma was standing right next to me.  
     "Are you sitting here alone?" were the first words he spoke to me and i hoped they wouldn't be the last.  
     "Yeah?" i answered, trying to ignore how hard it was to breathe all of a sudden.  
     "So........ you're a freak," he replied, with a raised eyebrow and looked to the empty seat that separated him from me.  
     "... What?" i asked as i scooted closer to the window and he took the seat next to me, now only a fraction of space separating us.  
     "Now you're not," he said, the corners of his lips twitching into a smile.  
We sat for what felt like a century in silence; two bus stops later he turned his head to fully face me and he broke the silence.  
     "My name is Manny," he introduced himself to me.  
"H-Hank," i stuttered. _God, please don't embarrass yourself_ , i thought. He smiled at me and extended a hand. Shifting my eyes back and forth from his hand to his smile, i took his hand and shook it. His hand was cold but his grasp was firm.  
     "Oh shit, this is my stop," i looked out the window to find the familiar vending machine that signaled my stop was next. I wish he moved to my seat earlier. I wish i had the courage to start talking to him.   
     "Same time tomorrow?" Manny asked with a small but hopeful smile. I couldn't hide my own grin, and i think he saw, oh god. The bus came to a halt and i got out of my seat, our knees brushing as i shimmied by him.  
     "Goodbye, Hank!" he called out eagerly and caused me to almost fall off of the bus onto the sidewalk. I wasn't expecting him to remember my name, or even say goodbye. There was something about the way he called my name that made me feel hopeful. He was actually excited to see me again, i can't believe it...


	6. Day VII

     Manny was sitting by the window with a hand on my seat when i got on the bus today. I didn't have work. in fact, i didn't even have anywhere to go, but the way he called my name yesterday, how eager he sounded, i had to see him again. I sat by him, our shoulders occasionally brushing against one another when the bus hit a bump in the road. Out the window, i saw a flier hung up, saying that Jurassic Park (my favorite movie) was going to play tonight at The Screen, our local movie theater. Manny must've been looking at the sign, too.  
     "You know, i've never seen Jurassic Park," he spoke for the first time since i got on the bus. I felt almost offended that he's never seen one of the greatest movies of all time. I gave him a look, completely in disbelief.  
     "We're seeing it tonight," i started to tell him with a smile but i realized we just met and just told him we, together, are going to see a movie, god, i should've ran away last week. Manny's eyes lit up when i told him we're going to see it. He told me he was so excited and gave me his number. All i could do was stutter, like a ~~retard~~. This man who i've only spoken a handful of words to was going to see Jurassic Park with me.  
For the remaining time on the bus, we talked about movies, dinosaurs, our childhood; he's a very interesting guy. I'm compelled to know as much about him as i can. i'm signing off now, i have to get ready to see Jurassic Park.


	7. Day VIII

     Holy shit.

     Holy.

     Shit.

     Yesterday, we saw Jurassic Park and it might be one of the greatest nights of my life. When i got onto the bus, i saw him sitting by the window, with small, modest, yellow flowers propped up against my seat. He gave me the flowers and looked embarrassed the majority of the night, i had no idea what to do or how to help, let alone why he looked embarrassed.   
     "I still can't believe you haven't seen Jurassic Park," i said after an uncomfortable silence when i thanked him for the flowers.  
     "I-I don't know Jurassic Park," he practically whispered.  
     "If you don't know Jurassic Park, you don't know shit," i spoke in the same hushed voice. His face turned red and he looked me in the eyes and smiled.  
     As the cinema lights dimmed and the film began, as much as i love jurassic park (i could quote it word for word), i preferred watching him watch the movie. I could see the way his eyes lit up when the iconic fanfare played, the reflection of the movie in his eyes, the way his knuckles turned white at the scene with the raptors in the kitchen, the way he'd flinch at a jump scare and look over at me to see if i noticed. He's incredible.   
     After the movie he asked if i was hungry, and we went out to eat. We discussed the movie, i'd tell him facts about the movie or dinosaurs and he actually seemed interested, it was unbelievable. Most people hate my terrible unnecessary facts, they say it's a waste of their time. But he was genuinely interested and asked questions and smiled and it felt like i couldn't breathe. He didn't eat much, but he's really small so i didn't really know why i thought he'd eat a lot. Okay, honestly, he is really fucking small, i think i'm almost half a foot taller than him.   
     After we ate, we were about to board the bus, but traffic was god awful and he was probably tired of being around me and i didn't want him to sit in traffic with me for god knows how long. I recommended we walk, he said that sounded nice, so we walked with nowhere in mind. I held the flowers in my left hand. My right arm would occasionally brush against his left, but he didn't act as if it bothered him. In fact, it could just be my sleep deprivation and my brain's way of clinging to any hope for the future, but it felt as if he'd actually lean into my arm every time we made contact.   
     "What would you like to do now?" i asked him, expecting him to say something along the lines of 'take me home you worthless ~~retard~~ ,' but instead he asked if it was alright if he spent more time with me. I couldn't believe this. This incredible, perplexing, enigmatic, thoughtful, intelligent man wants to spend time with me. With me. Me. Me! We continued walking around for about 10 minutes, until he stopped abruptly, which concerned me. I asked him what was wrong, and in a hush voice he replied, "could..... could i hold your hand?" I couldn't believe this... a day ago i just met him, now he asked if i could hold his hand.   
     I smiled at him, and he looked back at me, his eyes practically sparkling. He looked wonderful. We both looked down at our hands, as i moved to touch his. His hands were still cold, if not colder than when i shook his hand yesterday. I held his hand casually, no lacing fingers or anything of that sort. Just us walking silently, side by side, hand in hand. This lasted until we somehow ended up near my neighborhood, where we said a slow goodbye outside my house.   
     "Thank you, Hank," he said to me, the corner of his lips twitching as he smiled.  
     "For what?" I asked him, confused as to why he would say thank you for spending an evening with me. I don't even want to spend an evening with me.  
     "Thank you for inviting me to see Jurassic Park. Well, you didn't invite me, you just sort of said 'we're going to see Jurassic Park' but thank you for seeing it with me. And spending an evening with me. I've noticed you riding my bus a few weeks ago, and since then i've been completely mesmerized by you. The way you sat quietly, patiently, i always thought you were waiting for someone, but for weeks no one ever sat by you. You'd look out the window and i knew that look, i thought that you were just as alone as i was. I knew you didn't have to be, so i talked to you. I wanted to ask you if i could sit by you for that day and every other day, because life is short and no one deserves to ride the bus alone."  
     I don't know what it was, but something drew me closer to him, eventually i was embracing him, hands gripping each other's coats, the both of us swaying and counting the seconds passing. He pulled away and asked if i was busy this Thursday. i told him i was free and he smiled, grabbed my hand, squeezed it, looked me in my eyes (i couldn't look at him though, i felt bad but i just can't) and walked off. i stood outside, the sensation of his hand on mine lingering, until i stepped inside and i'm now writing about our date (dare i call it that?) and watching the sun rise. I like manny. I really like manny.


	8. Day IX

     I just woke up and it's 1:49pm. Manny texted me last night, he said thanks for the date. The Date. Date. He said date! To think, about a week ago i was contemplating running away, killing myself, but now this man has saved me from the brink of death (i might be exaggerating a bit. it sounds good though). Tomorrow i have to work, ill probably see him on the way there, riding my bus. Imagine, if he'd sit by me, willingly, not from a bet or not because he feels bad for me, but because he actually wants to sit by me. That sounds nice. That .. that sounds very nice.


	9. Day X

     Manny wasn't on the bus today.


	10. Day XI

Manny wasn't on the bus today again.


	11. Day XII

     Manny hasn't been on the bus in three days. I've tried texting him, hell, i even tried calling him once and we both know i never call people. He probably just went on some holiday, he's probably on a date with some lovely lady, or maybe he's living a successful life and making a difference (something i can only dream of doing). It's late, i'm tired.  
i just hope he's alright.


	12. Day XVI

     Its Thursday. I never bring my journal out in public, thinking i'd either lose it, someone would read it, and i'd make a fool of myself, or someone would read over my shoulder and know about me while they remain unknown to me. It's 7:04am and i'm waiting for my bus, hoping to see Manny.

 

     It's 7:21am and the bus is empty besides me, the driver, and a single mom with two sons. No Manny.

 

     It's 7:40pm and i saw him today! I got on the bus after work and as expected, Manny wasn't on the bus. Yet two stops down, i see a short blur of a person bolting by the bus stop, halting, then running onto the bus. It was Manny, his face red, blue eyes wide and pupils dilated, the collar of his checkered shirt crooked, his hair dark and sticking in all different directions. If it was anyone else, i'd think they looked like shit. With him, he did look like shit, but he was also sort of cute with his disheveled appearance. He scanned the bus and our eyes met, and he gave me this huge smile that i think might've stretched his face out. he walked over to me in just a couple of strides and fell into the his seat, his chest heaving and his eyes closed.   
     After he caught his breath, he sat up, ran a hand through his very, very messy hair, and told me about where he had been. He is very spontaneous and decided to "take a break," he said. I think he went on some holiday or vacation, but he told me about how he ran to catch the bus because it was Thursday and he wanted to see me. those were his words: "i wanted to see you, Hank." As i write now, i'm blushing as i think about it.   
     Manny fell asleep on the bus, his hand resting on top of mine, his head on my shoulder. While he slept i wondered where he was the past few days, i wondered how his hand made its way onto mine, how he trusted me enough to fall asleep on me. i wondered how lucky i was. as i was thinking about him, i was shook from my thoughts when the bus made an abrupt halt, sending everyone on the bus jolting forwards. as i stiffened, manny woke up and shot forward, hitting his head on the seat in front of us. It was quite the wake up call. I couldn't help but laugh a bit, this messy, sleepy man with a forming welt on his head.   
     I invited him over, seeing that the place his forehead made contact with the seat was beginning to swell, and didn't want him to be by himself. Although he looked absolutely exhausted, his face lit up when i extended my invite to him. He said he'd love to, then placed his hand on mine and squeezed it. His hands are always so cold, but i don't mind the contact. He makes me feel warm, even though he's freezing.  
     As we got off the bus and continued to walk home, the back of his hand would graze mine. I looked at him, this small, messy, odd-looking man, and he looked at me. We stopped walking and he was staring into my eyes as if he was trying to read my thoughts. He put his hand on my jaw and brought my face closer to his. My heart was pounding, anxiety sky rocketing, questions, thoughts, so much was happening inside me. Then he leaned in and rubbed off an eyelash from my cheek.  
     "You had an eyelash on your check," he laughed, and i could feel his eyes scanning my face. I was so embarrassed, i can't believe i thought he was, you know .... he was going to kiss me. God, i'm so stupid. I could feel my face as red as a beet. We were quiet for the rest of the walk home.  
     Manny's now asleep on my couch, while i write in my bed. Thank GOD i cleaned a bit on Tuesday. I'm going to go make sure he's alright.


	13. Day XVI

     It's one in the morning and i'm writing from inside a pillow fort Manny and i made. I suggested that he stay the night while he rests a bit. I was expecting him to just pass out, to just crash on my couch, but instead he sprang up, grabbed my shoulders, cheered, "Hank that's a great idea!" and put on music and went to my kitchen. For someone who has a lump as large as a golf ball on his forehead, he sure has a tolerance for rock music (he put Every Stone by Manchester Orchestra on, and sang along, and i think i'm falling in love).   
     Manny scrambled through each of my cupboards, rattling anything and everything he could find, until a minute later he pulled out a bag of popcorn (it had to be 3 weeks old at least, i don't know where he found it) and tossed it into the microwave.   
     "While our popcorn is in, do you mind if we fix the couch a bit?" he proposed.  
     "F-fix?" i didn't know what he was saying, until he flipped every pillow off and began constructing walls. This son of a bitch was making a pillow fort? in my house?  
     I went to my room to get any other blankets and pillows i could find to add to our fort. Just a couple of grown men, building a pillow fort, as if we were kids. It feels like i've known him since we were kids, i honestly feel like i've known him my whole life. How long ago did i meet him?  
     With an armful of blankets and pillows, i reentered my living with the sight of a half built pillow fort and the aroma of popcorn. We constructed a wobbly fort barely spacious enough for us both to fit in. We ate popcorn and watched jurassic park (all three of them). We did this until just a few minutes ago when he fell asleep. We're in the fort, he's laying besides me and sometimes mumbling in his sleep. I wish i knew what wonderful dreams he must be having, there's a faint smile on his face and he looks so content, so peaceful. Everything about this scene is perfect: jurassic park in the background, the aroma of popcorn still in the air, our own fort, blankets everywhere, and Manny next to me, sleeping. I'm about to fall asleep as i'm writing this, i'm going to set this aside and go to sleep. i can't believe today was real, i wish i could do this every night. i wish this would never end.


	14. Day XVI

     I thought that falling asleep by his side was bliss. I was mistaken. Waking up next to him, his arm around me as he still slept, the early morning light softening everything around us. That was bliss. I woke up almost an hour before he did, and i could've gotten up, but to be quite honest, laying next to him and actually being conscious for it is so, so nice. I looked to see what he looks like still, asleep, and he looked so peaceful. His hair was matted to his pillow, his eyes moving under his eyelids, his lips occasionally twitching into a smile. id be wondering what he was dreaming about, a part of me wishing it was me in his dream making him smile.  
     God, why do i think like this? He doesn't like me, he can't, i don't even like me. Don't people say that you can't love until you love yourself? If i can't even begin to like myself, there is no possible way he would ever be interested. A part of me wants to give up, knowing i have no chance whatsoever with him, that i'm a loss cause. Yet, another part of me, a part of me that was fairly loud this morning told me that there was a chance. A sliver of hope, a microscopic chance but a chance nonetheless, that maybe, just maybe we could ... you know ... be good friends. Great friends, even. Best friends. But, you know, together. God, i'm like school kid with a crush, but instead i'm a grown adult with a stupid crush. To think, i told myself i was in love with Sarah every day for god knows how long. That was just a couple weeks ago. Now here i am, inches away from this charming little guy (he's so small, especially laying next to him, it's ridiculous!)  
     I wish i didn't hate myself as much as i do. Looking back on my past writing, in the moment, it actually seems like Manny might like me. He asked to hold my hand, he gave me flowers (which are on my table still), he said he wanted to see me when he came back from his spontaneous break, maybe, just maybe, he likes me as something more than a friend. It's Friday, shit, i have work.


	15. Day XVII

     It's Saturday morning. Yesterday i went to work after Manny and i went out to get breakfast. He barely ate, he's small as it is, i guess his appetite is even smaller. He looked... sad. I don't think it was because i said i had to go to work, he didn't start showing his gloomy mood until we gave the waitress our menus and waited for our food. It was weird... i didn't know what to do. The conversation slowed down, he'd look at me and smile as we talked but his eyes looked heavy. He reminded me of myself, of me just 17 days ago, about to run away, abandon everything and everyone, and eventually die alone. God, i hope he isn't planning on killing himself like i was, i should text him. i hope i'm not overreacting, he might just be fine, maybe he was just tired? maybe he didn't like the restaurant? maybe if i tried to talk to him he'd get annoyed and think i'm clingy? Why do i have to think like this, i'm overthinking again. _Stop. Over. Thinking._ I'm going to call him.  
    _**"Hey! um, h-hey Manny. It's me, Hank. I-uh .. I.. I wanted to just see if you were okay, i-i mean doing okay, are you okay? I'm sorry to call i just... wanted to make sure you were doing alright. Yesterday, at breakfast, you seemed a bit, uh... sad. You didn't look too good. I-i mean you looked good, you always do, i love, i-i like! I like the way you look! Aw jeez, um, i'm sorry... you looked good but you didn't look like you were doing too well. If something's bothering you, I'm always here for you, man. I-i mean Manny, I'm always, always here for you, Manny. In fact, do you ... want to come over? to my house tonight? We can just, hang out. Watch Jurassic Park, or something else. Anything you want to watch, we can. J-just let me know, okay? If you need anything, lemme know, please, okay? Well... i'm gonna.. i'm gonna let you go. Call me back, if you want. You don't have to. I'm sorry... B-bye.**_

  
     Why can't i even talk on the phone? He's going to think i'm an idiot, i don't blame him either. Why am i like this, why does my brain work like this, why do i think like this? Oh my god, he's calling me back, oh no.

 

     It went well, he said my message made him blush, which, of course, made my face turn red, god he's incredible. He's coming over any minute now. I hope he's alright, he sounded tired but eager to come over, maybe it's all in my head, i hope not.


	16. Day 18

It's 01:13, and i'm falling in love. He's so genuine, and honest, and i don't know why but he trusts me. And it makes me feel as if i have some sort of purpose in the world, in my life, even in his. We ordered pizza, he didn't talk much so we watched some survival movie i'm not entirely sure what it was about, it was fairly cliche. After the movie he started to talk.   
"I have depression," he blurted out. There was no build up to this, which caught me off guard (especially since i was diagnosed with depression two years after mom died and i still haven't moved on).  
"I don't mean this as in 'oh i feel so sad, i've had a bad day,' no. I mean this as... as in..." he faltered and shifted in his seat. What was once a fairly relaxed setting of us on the couch, enjoying pizza, watching a movie, turned into tension tightening its grip around us both. He turned to face me, his eyebrows knitted together, his face tinted red with embarrassment and discomfort, a blush creeping down from his face to his neck. As i studied him my eyes lingered on his neck just a second too long, which caused his skin to turn even darker, god i'm making him uncomfortable he probably thinks i'm some weirdo creep-  
"As in i'm not happy with my life, Hank," the way he said my name really caught my attention. He wasn't just talking out loud to anyone who was listening, he was talking to me, opening up to me, trusting me.  
"I, how do i put this..." he scratched the back of his neck anxiously and inched closer to me, as if insuring no one else could hear him despite the fact we were alone in my living room.   
"I don't know if this makes me weird, or if you just don't understand, but... I-Ive tried to kill myself before. Many, many times actually..." he laughed weakly, looking down, tapping at his knee. After a minute of silence between us, i decided to speak up, and tell him about everything i've kept inside. Well, about my depression, at least.  
"Manny," I started to say and he looked up at me, the corners of his eyes cumulating tears. I felt terrible, i didn't know what to do but i kept talking.  
"I understand," i was almost whispering and before i knew what was happening his arms were around me, my shirt bundled in his hands, his face buried in my neck, he clung to me as if i was the only real thing in the world and everything around us was fading.   
"I used to lie here, i used to be empty. Then you came along. Before we met, i wanted to run away, after suicide attempt after suicide attempt and i'd still wake up, i was going to run away, get lost at sea, and hopefully die," i was explaining to him, and the minute i said 'hopefully die' he pulled away and looked me in the eyes, the dark blue iris contrasting with red irritation and the build up of tears made the hair on the back of my neck stand up.   
"Do you still? Want to die?" he asked me, barely audible and inches away from my face.   
"Do you?" I asked him, my eyes searching his face, studying how he reacted to my question.   
"If we remain... a-at least friends," he confessed, his eyes leaving mine and focusing on the couch from under us as a blush returned to his face, "No, Hank," his eyes returning back to mine when he said my name, "Never."  
Like he did before, I wrapped my arms around him, his shirt balled in my hands, his face buried in my neck again.  
When he pulled away, he looked exhausted, smiling weakly at me. His eyes were dark and looked heavy, i asked if he wanted to stay the night, and energy was almost visibly returning to him. He smiled and, god i love his smile. As i write now, he's asleep next to me on my living room floor, breathing heavily. I can't believe this is happening. i can't believe he is real. i can't believe this is real. i can't believe he said "at least friends," as if we would one day be something more. I can't believe i'm falling in love with him. Actually ... i can believe i'm falling in love with him, he's incredible, how could i not?


	17. Day 18 (later)

It's still Sunday, the time is 23:11, and i think we know what my "11:11 wish" is. And it almost happened, too. Manny and I fell asleep in my bed rather than a fort this time, we were both too emotionally exhausted to make a fort out of my couch. Yet, Manny and his persistent way of being, refused to sleep unless we made something to sleep in, as if a bed was just not enough. So we used a lamp and draped a blue sheet over it, the light making the walls of my room soft hues of blue, it looked as if we were underwater. The lamp held the sheet as we tied it to opposing sides of the bed, the roof of our makeshift fort sloping downward. Manny wanted to sleep where the sheet was tucked in, the sharpest angle of our little roof, and as i got ready for bed he traced patterns into the sheets, the shadows from his hand dancing on the walls. 

I got beside him, and we left the light on, since we both liked it. It made us feel as if we were in a different world, just the two of us. 

"Hank?" Manny asked as i was just beginning to fall asleep.

"Yeah? What's wrong?" i was afraid he was getting depressed again, or he wanted to go home, or he would tell me how terrible i was. None of this happened. instead he asked me: 

"Can you put my hand ... on your hand?" he turned to face me, his brilliant eyes glistening and a faint smile on his lips. His lips. His mouth was just oh so slightly parted, inviting, his eyes glued to mine as he inched his hand closer to mine. At this point we were both on our sides, facing one another, and i lifted his hand and placed a gentle kiss on it, i don't even know if he could feel it. my heart was pounding, my cheeks felt as if they'd burn off my face, and after a moment of us just staring at one another, his hand still inches from my mouth, he said, "you missed." 

At first i was confused, i missed what? But after my idiotic pathetic brain processed what he said, i think he was asking me to kiss him ? 

"Manny, you should know, i'm not really good at this sort of stuff," i sheepishly explained to him. 

"Have.... you never kissed anyone before?" he asked me, whispering and smirking. How do i explain to him that a grown man with a struggling sexual identity has never kissed anyone, would he even believe me? I just didn't say anything, i wouldn't look at him, until his hands, his freezing, icy hands tilted my chin and lifted my face to his as he studied me, his eyes practically piercing into every inch of my skin, reading me like a book.

"i... i want to know wh-what it's like," i stammered, sounding absolutely childish, good lord.

"What?" Manny asked, his eyes still scanning my face, "kissing someone?"

"Kissing you."

His eyes lit up, pupils dilated, the corners of his lips twitching into a smile as he moved his hand from under my chin to the side of my face, his hand so, so cold on my blushing skin. He began slowly leaning towards me, what if my breath smelt? what if i'm bad at kissing? what if i sneeze or cough? what if he doesn't like it and never talks to me again? As my brain went through the usual cycle of self deprecating thoughts, i stopped for a moment and wondered, but what if im good at it? what if he likes me more? what if he's falling in love with me like i am him?

I could feel his breath on my lips, us sharing the same air, the air that was the only thing separating one another. Mannys eyes went to my lips, back up to my eyes, and asked, "Hank are you okay? We don't have to do this, if you don't want to i'm sorry. You're... shaking!" 

Shit, i was shaking, i was so scared, so nervous, so anxious, so sick, so excited, oh so excited. I laughed, he did too, and i nodded, too lovestruck to form any words, as a signal that i was okay. 

The minute his eyes closed and he leaned in to close the distance between us, our makeshift roof crumpled on top of us. We laughed, and laughed, we were so CLOSE! and now i know he likes me! He laughed and it was one of the holiest things i have ever heard, genuine happiness reverberating around us, the blue sheet warm from the lamp, his smile that made his eyes water and scrunch, his laugh, god how i love his laugh. 

"I'm... pretty tired," i said out of breath from laughing with him.

"Yeah, me too," he giggled like a school kid at a sleep over. He's so innocent, yet so complex and mature at the same time, he's so captivating. 

I turned the lamp off, the roof of our fort now draped across us both lying on our backs , and he took my hand, intertwined his fingers with mine, sending shivers down my spine, and whispered, "goodnight, Hank. Sleep well."

I did.

I woke up at 11:11 at night while Manny slept by my side just to write this moment down, a memory that will forever be cherished.


	18. Day XIX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am so sorry it's been forever since i've been here. i've had AP tests, finals, graduation a couple days ago, someone close died, a break up of sorts, family falling apart, divorce, mental illness, a lot has been happening and i am sorry everyone . in the meantime here's a lil chapter

     I woke up next to him, his hair matted down and his eyebrows scrunched together, i wonder what he's dreaming of. His fingers were still laced with mine when i woke up. i'm almost in denial of what happened last night, if i hadn't written everything down i'd have thought of it as nothing more than a dream. It still feels like a dream, too good to be true.  
     He's mumbling in his sleep, and he looks like he's distressed, his eyebrows still knitted together, his eyelids shut tightly together, barely audible mumbling. I inched closer to him, to try and hear what he was saying.  
     "s-stop," he'd start, and then his eyes suddenly opened, wide. He paused, looked me in the eye, and continued,   "stop trying to listen to my dreams," he said with a smile.   
     That son of a bitch.

     We laid in bed, he put on some strange, atmospheric music i was too nervous to ask the name of, he inched closer to me, our fingers still intertwined, his head on my shoulder, our breathing in sync, chests rising and falling slowly along side one another. I fell back asleep, everything was so calm. I moved just a bit, to see if he was awake or not (he wasn't), and i fell asleep for probably only 20 minutes when his alarm started going off.  
     "Sweet Disposition?" i asked him, his alarm a familiar sounding song i love.  
     "Yeah? You... you know this song," Manny asked me as he was getting up to find his phone.   
     "Of course i do, i used to listen to this song on repeat for weeks, i love it, by the Temper Tramp, right?" i knew it was by them, i just wanted to keep talking about it with him.  
     "Do you... want to keep listening to it?" he asked, his alarm still going off in his hand.  
     "Would you like to keep listening to it?" i questioned, putting any form of decision making on him and not me. He went quiet a minute and laid back down before he answered me. He smiled and raised an eyebrow before he answered me too, making me immediately nervous.  
     "Only if... I can hear you sing along," he answered with a strange sort of smirk on his lips. He was expecting me to sing, as if my overall existence wasn't a cringe in itself, he wanted to hear me sing?  
     "Th-thats not a good idea, you wouldn't like that," i laughed, yet i knew he could tell i was embarrassed. He just lay there, staring at me, his disheveled hair and his bright eyes almost making him look crazy.   
     He just laid there, watching me, waiting for me to sing i'd imagine. Yet the song was over before i could even begin to sing. 

     The bastard put the song back on again, this time the volume louder, and sang along with the music. He was watching me, singing along, his eyes shifting from my eyes to my mouth (why was he always looking at my mouth??).  
     "A moment of love, a dream, a laugh, a kiss, a cry, i'm right, i'm wrong," i tried to sing as lowly as i could, but he heard and smiled that goofy, wide smile he gave me when he ran onto the bus that one day because he promised to see me.   
There we were, two grown men singing to each other in my bed, laughing at one another and smiling. I tried to grab my phone and take a photo of him while he wasn't looking, but i should've known, he's always looking at me (w h y???) and took my phone from me.  
     "If you wanted a photo, you could've asked," he spoke with a smile and put his arm around me, rested his head on my shoulder, and took a photo of us. I'm sure i look like a mess, my hair a disaster, my eyes squinting from smiling so much, and then compared to him, dear god he probably looks incredible especially next to me. He eagerly turned the phone around and laughed the minute he saw the photo, dear god. Before i could even begin to overthink and analyze everything and fear he'd walk out and id never see him again, he gave me my phone back, turned to me, and spoke so quietly:

     "You look wonderful."

  
     I wanted to stop him and exclaim "Have you seen yourself ????" but i was paralyzed by admiration and lovestruck by him to say anything but smile and blush. Is lovestruck the right word to use? Am i actually falling in love with him or am i telling myself this to avoid the fact that maybe he doesn't feel the same. But does he? I mean, we hold hands, we go out together, we almost kissed last night, am i just overthinking everything? Is it because i feel like i don't deserve love? Do i actually? i don't think i want to feel it with anyone but him.  
Is that right?


	19. chapter 19, day xx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SOSOSOSOSOSO SORRY about the YEAR LONG delay life was kicking my ass. i got kicked out, had a suicide attempt, was in a toxic relationship i’m still recovering from, and was hospitalized for six months. ANYWAYS i’m back boys

I had work in the afternoon, so Manny rode the bus with me to my stop. We sat next to each other in silence, his hand resting on top of mine. He sat by the window; id steal glances at him while he was lost in his own thoughts, just to ensure he wouldn’t catch me looking at him. However what started out as a glance eventually became a gradual fixation, and much like him i became lost in thought. I thought of what it would be like to card my hands through his brown hair, to feel his hips against my own, the weight of his body on mine, his eyes studying my lips like they were the other night, even better, his lips on mine, what it would be like if-  
“Hank?” his voice interjected my thoughts and my face grew red wondering not only how long he’s noticed me staring at him, but completely mesmerized by him. I blinked rapidly as he only laughed a bit to himself and squeezed my hand.  
“I-I’m sorry, I was just lost in my thoughts,” I mumbled an apology, expecting him to laugh at me.   
“No worries, Hank. In fact, I’ll tell you a secret,” he replied in a low tone, and with his free hand he brought my face closer to his. I could feel my cheek growing hot under the chill of his hand. Why are his hands always so freezing?  
“Before we even knew one another, I would sit rows of seats behind you just so I could look at you and daydream, get lost in my own head. Weeks went by until you actually looked back at me and eventually I had the courage to approach you. You’d normally watch the girl in the sundresses get on and off the bus and I assumed I had no possible chance with you until i actually felt confident enough to talk to you, this being weeks later, but Hank,” he paused and looked into my eyes with such an intensity I had to glance away.   
“I’m so glad i actually talked to you. Even if i might’ve called you a freak.” We laughed, forgetting there were other people around us on the bus. It felt like it was just the two of us, only sharing this space with one another. He nearly closed the space between us until i realized the bus came to a halt and we were at my stop.   
Shit.   
We were at my stop.   
I said goodbye to Manny, he squeezed my hand as I walked down the isle, off the bus, and we watched one another as the bus drove away, leaving me alone on the pavement.   
I went to work, replaying what Manny said to me in my head.   
“I assumed I had no possible chance with you.”  
What did he mean by that?


	20. Day XXI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been busy working, packing/moving, starting school uH i am sorry. anyways. heres some Gay™️

I saw Manny on my way home from work. He was sitting in the window seat next to the seat I normally sit in. He had his hand resting on the seat next to him as if he was saving it for me; the bus was deserted. He had that grin on his face, the one he had when he was gone for days and saw me again, although it’s been only a day since we’ve seen each other and we’ve texted almost nonstop since then. Although we’ve been fairly intimate almost from the beginning, i still get a pang of nervousness walking down the bus isle to him. The moment I sat down he asked me, “Could I come over again tonight?” he spoke timidly, as if I’d reject him. How could I?  
"Of course you can, Manny.” There’s an intimacy that follows after every time you say someone’s name, and I hoped in this small way I could show him at the least to an extent of how important he is to me.  
He sighed and rested his hand atop of mine. As subtly as I could, I turned my hand so our palms would be touching and slowly, without looking at one another, we laced our fingers together, and I could hear the blood pounding in my ears. Out of the corner of my eye I could see his cheeks were pink.  
We rode the bus home without saying a word, but it wasn't an uncomfortable silence. It was rather peaceful; he rested his head on my shoulder and we just looked out the window. We reached my house and sat next to each other on my couch.  
"Do you want to build another fort?" I asked him. He responded by standing up and beginning to take the cushions off my couch. We worked together, stacking pillows, arranging blankets, until everything was situated. We lay on the floor in our makeshift home, on our sides facing one another, listening to music playing softly through shitty speakers. The way I feel inside. The Zombies. He was singing along but he was looking at me as if he was singing to me.  
"In your mind could you ever be really close to me, I can tell the way you smile" he sang lowly, placing a had on my cheek, and I'm almost certain he could feel me blush. I inched closer to him, and did as he did: cupped his face. He repeated another line.  
"If I feel that I could be certain then I would say the things I want to say tonight," he sang, barely audible, and I could feel his face growing warm under my hands.  
"I... I can't tell if you're singing along or to me" I said to him, feeling incredibly small.  
"What do you think I'm doing?" he asked me.  
"I... uh ... I honestly cannot tell," I told him, and truthfully, I have no idea. I hoped he was singing to me, and I hope he sings to me tomorrow and every other day because when he does I feel like I really might deserve love. He gave me a thoughtful smile and we just lay there, staring at one another, oblivious to everything around us for who knows how long.  
"Are you happy?" Manny asked, bringing me back to reality and out of my thoughts. I really had to think about what I was going to say, and the more I thought, the less 'happy' I began to feel. I began obsessing and overthinking like I always do, fucking things up, and Manny just looked at me, studying me as if he could read me while I internally tore myself to pieces for not just saying "Yes. I am happy when I'm with you and even when you're not around I just think about you and things become a little bit more bearable and I think I'm starting to fall in love with you and I believe we could really be happy together," but instead I just stared back at him, unable to articulate how I felt and I could feel myself starting to shut down, until he gave me a concerned look and moved his hand to the back of my head and started to whisper.  
"Hey, it's okay. I'm sorry I asked, you just looked so happy, and I wanted to make sure you were. Are. You are happy... and I'm sorry, Hank. I-I just want to know ...what would make you happy? Right now?" I thought if he wanted to he could just read my mind for the answer. His tone of voice grounded me and almost instantly, I stopped tearing myself apart, and I knew I could answer him or show him, and both terrified me.  
"Maybe..." I started to say, and when I realized I wasn't going to be able to talk without the possibility of an anxious stutter, I chose to show him instead, inching even closer, I could feel his chest against mine and I did what we almost did nights before when our fort fell on us, but this time it wouldn't fall and I wouldn't be interrupted. Images of our memories together flashed: meeting him, going to a movie together, walking at night to my house, riding the bus, waking up next to him, singing with him, holding his hand, the subtle affection we show one another, and as each thought flashed in my brain as the space separating us grew smaller. I could hear is breathing quicken, his eyebrows expressive and shocked, he blinked rapidly and closed his eyes, my hand still cupping his cheek, and I pulled him closer and closer until our lips grazed and I.. I kissed him.  
I squeezed my eyes closed, completely in shock of the foreign feeling of someone's mouth on mine. We just lay there, motionless, holding each other until I began to feel him kiss me in return. I opened my eyes and pulled away and he had the biggest smile on his face. The biggest smile I've ever seen before. And we laughed, and laughed, until he pulled me back and we were kissing again and again and he'd run his hand through my hair and hold my head close to his, and he wrapped his other arm around me, holding my body close to his. I did what he did; I held him against myself, carded my hands through his hair, he'd hum, I'd hum in response.  
"Manny," I pulled back stopping and started to speak, feeling obligated to almost... warn him... His eyes were still closed when I pulled away.  
"I'm... I'm not really good at these things," I tried to explain to him, feeling as if I didn't deserve what was happening between us. He just frowned at me before saying anything else.  
"Do you think... you're bad at this?" he asked me.  
"I mean- how could I not be? This is all new to me and there is no, no possible way im 'good' at this. At all of this," I told him, feeling exposed, and as if I was trying to self sabotage by making him think I'd never be enough for him.  
"Well," he started to say, brushing hairs off my forehead so softly I could barely feel him. "I think you're great. I think you're great at this. At all of this. I don't know if its because of how I feel about you or if you're ju-"  
"Wait," I interjected, not fully convinced I heard him correctly. "How you feel? What do you mean?" He stared at me, his eyes scanning every inch of my face while he stuttered, figuring out an answer. His cheeks were bright red, his mouth moving but nothing coming out and I wondered if this is what I look like when I get flustered in front of him. The only difference is he looks so.. so good.  
He just kept looking at me and I looked at him: a silent exchange of facial expressions. He looked stuck, I looked confused, he looked like he physically couldn't speak, I looked and felt anxious, normally being on the other end of someone struggling to articulate an answer.   
"I like you," he almost yelled, and I was frozen, completely surprised.  
"I like you," he continued, a little softer. "I've been infatuated with you since I first saw you on the bus looking out the window and... I remember our eyes locked, and you probably don't remember this. I was walking, and out of all times to look up, I saw you and since then there's... theres been this feeling of necessity, like... I feel like I had to find you, talk to you. I don't even need to take the bus, I've just walked everywhere. Until I saw you. I started riding the bus, sitting in the back, getting lost in my head, getting lost in the city when I don't know where the hell I'm going. And I saw the way you looked at that girl, and I was going to give up. But you, the idea of you, the thought of knowing you, befriending you, being with you, kept me from... I told you, I'm depressed and," he paused and sat up, and I sat up with him, sitting cross-legged across from him in a fort completely mesmerized.  
"I was going to kill myself. Jump off a bridge, just completely give up, since nothing mattered. But each day I got closer to that decision, I got closer to you. Physically, at least. I'd move up a row on the bus until I had the courage to actually talk to you, and you were so sweet. You are so sweet. You're so genuine, and kind, and charming, and empathetic, and I really... I really like you. A lot. I haven't felt like this in a really, really long time, Hank."  
We sat there, across from one another, his confession still in the air between us, I couldn't even hear a breath. He looked anxious, as if he was waiting for me to say something, or waiting to see if I'd react negatively, but I could not believe what was happening. We were both trying to disappear until we both met each other, and I cannot believe he started riding the bus because of me. I don't even remember ever seeing him besides on the bus, looking out the window and seeing him (probably since I've been stuck on Sarah for ages and never noticed anything but the fact I thought I'd never be happy. I told him my situation. About wanting to run away until i noticed him and was completely mesmerized by how much of am enigma he was to me.  
"I like you too, Manny. A lot- also," I told him, and for the first time I think ever, I wasn't afraid of feeling or being rejected. Everything felt unbelievably real. He began to blush after I told him i like him (like an elementary romance, what full grown adult says 'i like you' to another full grown adult? Just us I suppose) and I wanted to kiss him again like we were. I want to show him how rare and brilliant and unique and important he is and I want to fall asleep by his side and wake up intertwined with him, to come home at the end of the day and see him and ride the bus with him and travel with him and raise a dog with him, cook dinner together, watch netflix. There was a gap of silence before either of us said a word, and he spoke first.  
"Do you want to... to.. go? With me? Out? Go out? B-be with me?" he asked, so quietly I could barely hear him and I could barely believe what I heard. I just sat there, smiling, probably looking ridiculous and absolutely foolish enough for him to change his mind, but he never did. He just kept looking at me intently, waiting for an answer. I scooted over to his side and he wrapped his arm around me. I don't think anyone has ever showed me as much affection as he has and I love everything about it.  
"I was afraid I'd have to be the one to ask that question," I told him with probably the ugliest bashful smile to exist and he engulfed me in a hug so strong it knocked us to the ground as well as the walls and roof of our fort. There we lay, just laughing, holding one another, we landed on my back and he was atop me and before I could stop laughing his lips were against mine and we were smiling, which made kissing him a little bit challenging but neither of us seemed to mind since there we lay for god only knows how long. What a sight: a grown adult who doesn't know how to kiss (me) with a small (very attractive) wonderful person on top of mine (manny) surrounded by pillows (pillows).  
I don't remember us ever stopping, kissing that is. I just remember one minute making my entire body feel electric and the next minute he was asleep on top of me still, his head on my chest. I watched him rise from my breath and from his own for a while until I reached out and ran my hands through his hair. He sighed and practically dissolved when my hand met his hair. It was thick and dark brown and soft and smelt like home. I could not believe a single thing that happened today. Everything that has happened, ever, has lead up to this exact moment and I couldn't ask for more or less or anything else. I fell asleep to the sound of his breath.


End file.
